Volunteering and feeling home

I realised I have not posted anything for a while now, and maybe I should.

Big news: I am 18 now (something big I have been said). I guess I am an adult woman in control of my own destiny. As such, on my birthday afternoon, I went to the Bookshop and bought over 10 books on Sale. From Rosseau to Romantic letters from a Portuguese nun. I love it all and I will read it all (as soon as I find the time). At least now I have a small travelling library in my room =) How fancy.

I am actually volunterring in the Women's Center library now. Once a week, a couple of hours. I absolutely love it. Putting books on the shelves, cataloguing, re-arranging, organising, checking-in, out and what not. It's perfect.
I also starting to volunteer in this project called "Letters for the Inside", a sort of research service by students for prisioners that lack acess to any information. It is very thought-provoking and I think it will be very rewarding.

I needed to get involved into these things. The fact is that I miss extra-academics. I miss meetings, gorups, being the secretary, cordinator, participant and all that. I miss it, and now I fell much better because I am back on it.

I am in fact starting to feel at home here. Not in my residence though. God, I really hope my room switch works out... Yesterday was a bit too much. The guy next door decide to have a party and, honestly, it was not just noisy. IT was scary. Very drunk Canadian kids singing along to pop songs, shouting about sex and banging on the wall for fun. Decadence reached the bottom. And I had to put with it untill they moved the party somewhere else.

Oh, I think they just woke up. Yes, this is the sound of very hang-over semi-drunk people next door.

I have had very strange dreams. I am disturbed by them and it is interfering in my concentration. The recurrent one is me missing the plane, missing my flight home. I am a bit paranoid about it. It is not that I wnat to get out of here so badly, but I am looking forward to the break. To Europe. To my parents and to my fireplace.

This was a purely informative post, but my days are so full now that my only to time to reflect is eating and sleeping.

After all, there are only two ways to get unraveled. One is to sleep, the other is travel.


P.S. My new obcession: Cary Elwes (when young)

THe positive egocentric predicament.

I will be going to sleep now. But it is Sunday night and I just watched my daily fix of Twin Peaks and have my knitting stuff all around. And my body lies here so quietly, while my soul seems to dance, scream and jump to the sound of the Shins.

I don't know if I want to continue this blog. I feel it is revealing, somehow. I don't want to be revealing lately. I have paid my price for that. I still do.
I guess I keep making mistakes.

I am doing fine if you are interested in that. I am. Very happy at the moment.


Thinking of the future. A bit too much. Also of the present. Of what it means to be 17, now that I am slowly moving to the next number. I am a teenager, it is sooo true. More than ever, I am 17. There is so many things I don't know and I am trying to figure out. .. (cheeesy) At some point I belived someone would come along and help me out on that, someone to hold me and point the way. Doesn't happen. Only leads you astray. Last Spring I woke up from that fanatasy. This Winter is being a bit hard on me just because it is so real. I got real. It feels liberating to think so.

Maybe Descartes was right in the beggining of it all. There is you, only you. At least first and foremost you. I woke up to my little positive egocentric predicament.

A night of wonder, happiness and excitment seen by old grumpy woman

I appologise. This is not a well thought of post, it is not that relevant and it is not that srtuctured.

It is 8:30 a.m. I got up na hour ago. I am sick, my throat hurts and my body ackes all over. I am eating cereals with some dubious milk that I was left on my fridge. I have to work on my Philosophy assignment and I don't want to right now. I just want a nice blanket, a warm room and somebody to make me a cup of tea. When you live alone, things suck when you're sick.

I realise that I live really too alone. People next door don't know me, don't care about me. I don't care much about them either. I am trying to change somewhere where that mutual lack of concern does nit hold.

I think I know now why people say, with that 50's voice "don't you want to have a loving husband and a nice loving family?". Yeah, when you're on your own at 7:30 a.m., sick and sleepy, it sounds verrryy alluring. Problem is, the people I know that followed that ideal are also in problematic and unhappy situations. Anyhow, you can't win.

This all starts sounding grumpy.

Well, I can tell about Saturday night. I went to meet my aunt and my cousin for lunch downtown. After that I went to a coffee shop where they were playing jazz and read some school stuff. And then I went and saw a François Truffaut double-bill! I could have seen a triple but I would be late to catch the last skytrain. Started off with 400 coups de vents. Very beautiful, and has haun ting meloody to it. Then I watched Tirez sur le Pianiste. It was such a good film, full of excitment and good scenes. I loved it. When I went out I felt so happy. People must have thought me crazy, in the middle of the night running thorugh the streets, jumping and imitating ballet dancers. I was happy, and no one on those streets knew me, so I was free to make a fool of myself. I was young, I was living in a most exciting city, the world was beautiful and I was too. I was proud to be 17, not ashamed anymore, I was proud and content. All the way in the skytrain I smiled. I couldn't stop smiling. It felt like I had just kissed someone I cared about. I felt a rush of energy, a feeling I was going to explode with happiness.

And when I went to bed on Saturday night, I dreamt of being in a movie by Truffaut.